Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The “baby” on the left….
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Who says great literature is dead?
Fries, not lies.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.