Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.