[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
This could be us… but you playing