imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
no one ever comes back
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair