Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
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i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
one last job
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast