3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
wait.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh