My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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Alex: Having one wife too many
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US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
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M: oh *stops eating*
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
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“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
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