ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
馃槀
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
M: I鈥檓 gonna go relax
H: ok I鈥檓 gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I鈥檓 embarrassed to live in a world that鈥檚 allowed 9 fast and furious movies
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 馃槅
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
That鈥檚 easy for you to say
Finally, a door that understands me
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO