Batman v Dracula
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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.