If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.