*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
You had me at “define legal”.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?