Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.