It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.