Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
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Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Baller is short for ballerina
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.