person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?