2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone