*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.