me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
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“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
☠️☠️☠️
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?