My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.