Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
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Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
men, we mow at sunrise.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.