My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*jazz hands*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.