Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”