With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
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“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
my retirement plan is braless
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin