I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
You Might Also Like
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏