sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
HOW DARE YOU
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk