If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My five year plan is a meteorite
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
groan^2
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Dance like you’re not the father
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?