Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Hot Hot Hot
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
plant them where lol
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.