Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]