People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Cause of death: Zumba
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.