*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.