[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
All set.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.