Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
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At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”