Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
You Might Also Like
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”