not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
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Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
yeah no that’s fair
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!