My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
3% human
97% stress
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there