Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
What personal space?
My dog
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Important reminders
Sending in my taxes
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.