Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
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What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye