My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
#parenting
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell