Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO