me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Hey i am sexy to you now
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
this is what they would have looked like, though
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit