*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
You Might Also Like
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.