Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.