This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Feels like the fourth month in January
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
See..?
.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂