Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.