Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
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You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Well, that didn’t work.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?