“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
when someone compliments me
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.