Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good