4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
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Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I’d rather go liquor treating.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this