Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.