starting a garage orchestra
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Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me